Lately, I’ve really been trying to reason with God about not being able to get pregnant, coming up with all the reasons of why this is happening or why this happens to people at all.
Maybe it’s because God doesn’t want us to have kids at all.
Maybe it because something really bad is going to happen to Dan or I that would be unbearable for a chile to endure.
Maybe I have some sort of rare disease.
Maybe we’re just not fit to be parents according to God.
I know all these reasons sound silly, but when I see other people getting pregnant with no trouble and having healthy babies, it’s hard not to try to make sense of all this. More recently, I have been having fears about not being able to adopt at all, even though I have never heard of that happening. I just hate getting my hopes up for something that may never come true.
On Wednesday nights at One Love, we have been going through Genesis. The last couple weeks we have been learning about Abram (not yet Abraham). In the beginning of Genesis 15, Abram begins to reason with God about the promised child. He suggests the child would come from the heir of his house, rather than from him biologically, because he has no offspring. He doesn’t understand how this promise will be fulfilled. Since he can’t see how this promise is going to play out, he begins to come up with his own way of accomplishing God’s will or fulfill God’s promise.
I love God’s response: He tells Abram that he will have a child of his own, then He takes Abram outside and says, “Look now toward heaven, and count the stars if you are able to number them (verse 5).” God is so gentle. He takes Abram outside to see the stars, not necessarily to see the stars, but the Maker of the stars. God lovingly reminds Abram of Who he’s reasoning with and Who the promise is from. Verse 6 says, “He believed in the Lord God.” After being reminded of Who is behind this promise, Abram instantly goes from reasoning with God to asking God simple questions – which is okay.
This section of Scripture challenged me. The Creator and Maker, who spoke the entire Universe into existence, is the One in complete control of my life. He is faithful and the God of all details. He has mine and Dan’s best interest at heart, and that is what I want. Who am I to reason with God? I think it makes Him sad when I reason with Him, His plan, His promises. But, just as it was okay for Abram to ask questions, it’s okay for me to ask questions. Where is our child (or children) going to come from? When will we get to meet them? How do we walk through this process?
I hope that I will remember this lesson throughout the adoption process…or life, for that matter.
David and I struggled with infertility as well. After a year of trying as hard as we could to have a baby (fertility charting, taking my temp every day, etc.) we saw a doctor and found out that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I read up on it, changed my diet and with the help of medication we were able to conceive Nathaniel. It was a lesson is learning to trust God and believe that His will will always be accomplished regardless of our human limitations. Now, two additional kids later and it’s hard to remember that struggle. Hang in there! God has a plan!
I had no idea that you struggled with infertility, thank you for sharing and the encouragement. I haven’t been diagnosed with anything (mostly because I only have VA medical coverage), though I have some ideas because of all the charting I’ve done. Maybe one day the Lord will give us biological kids, but for now, we feel the Lord leading us in this direction and have a united peace about it. Everyday I have to be reminded of God’s sovereign plan and perfect will for my life and how I want to be in God’s perfect will. Blessings to you! -Erin
Erin,
Thank you for your honesty. You know we struggled to have a baby too. I’m not sure what the answer is for you – but I know that God knows your heart & desire to have a baby.
I always wish I had one of those mirrors (for the big stuff in life) that they put on a blind corner – you know, the rounded ones…I want to see what God’s got for me around the corner – and exactly how He’s going to deliver it to me. Not very faithful, right? I’m not perfect – that’s the deal – constantly being refined (I hope).
I can find at least a dozen times in the bible where there is use of the term, “a little while” – only, to God, a little while is a week, a month or a day – His timing is known only to Him and it’s perfect.
Just an anecdote about babies & timing: We recently had Samantha named at my parent’s temple (it’s a crazy Jewish thing…). We named her Simcha. It means Joy (one of the other names we discussed for her). In order to do her naming, I had to get a Hebrew name (more crazy Jewish stuff…). My father picked my name… Sarah. Get it?
Jesus loves you and we’re praying every day for you guys.
love,
jill.
Jill, Sam was/is totally worth the wait!!! She is such a sweet baby. And you are right about trusting the Lord…my plan included already having kids by this time in life, but God’s didn’t and most of the time I’m at peace with that. Love the fitting Hebrew names. We hope to see you while we’re in CA. Thank you for the prayers. We need them and cherish them. Love, Erin
Erin, the simple answer is sin. Sin ruined everything in God’s perfect design. There are 3500 kids here in TX available for adoption… Most due to severe neglect and abuse. 3500 children that only know pain and suffer at the hand of the one who was supposed to protect them. Everyday it breaks my heart. I like to think God gives some of us fertility issues in order to push us into other avenues. After my first miscarriage my heart completely changed. Since then God put a burden on my heart for children in foster care.
God has a beautiful plan for you and Dan and whatever children you are blessed with.
I don’t mean to ramble but this is the one thing I’m passionate about.
Jacob and I will be married three years this june and are wanting to try for a baby. I have always feared that I would not be able to get pregnant and so as we get closer I am excited but very nervous at the same time. I can’t help but hold onto this verse in Isaiah 55:8 ” For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways.” We might think we know what is best for us or we may ask God why, but He is in control and has everything under His feet. This I know is true, that the Lord love you Erin and years from now you will look back and see His hand has always been upon you and Dan. You will be able to share with your children what the Lord did in your life and in your heart through this process!
Hey Erin!
Just found your new blog! Miss you! I will be praying for you and I’m glad you are writing this blog with such openness because I’m sure a lot of people will be blessed by reading it!
First off, there is no god.
In this case intention and biology seem to have different designs, but the important thing to remember is that the universe is indifferent to our desires and intransigent to our entreaty.
Thomas,
I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with you, there is a God and He loves you and has a beautiful plan for your life. The question each of us face is whether we’re going to surrender our lives to Him or live as if we are the most sovereign being in the universe.
Personally, I have hope because I have a relationship with God. If the universe is indifferent to our desires and intransigent to our entreaties then there can be no hope for anyone’s life. God offers us all relationship and He offers us all hope, it’s our choice whether or not to accept what He has for us.